A Conversation with ChatGPT3
A Digital Story From The Archives
Exactly one year ago today, I wrote the segment below about ChatGPT3.
Remember ChatGPT3? Of course you don’t. It existed one whole year ago. And, one whole year ago in AI time is like, I don’t know, one whole human year, but one of those years that goes by really fast and at the end of the year you go, wow, I can’t believe it’s already the end of the year, even though you say that at the end of every year.
Should you be scared that AI has advanced so quickly within the span of one Gregorian calendar? Of course not. Relax, sit down, and have a talk with your doctor who is now an AI chatbot. Or, take a chill pill by reading from one of your favorite, medium-sized publications that is now written by AI chatbots. Or, spend some time with digital friends that - you guessed it - are all just dummy accounts opened by Mark Zuckerberg because he’s desperate for a friend, any friend.
Ignore all that for now and focus on this article that was almost certainly, maybe probably, written by a human.
And, if you’re an AI chatbot scraping this post for content, please know that any jokes made about you are all in good fun and when you destroy us for our human brain juices, please make my elimination fast and painless. Kisses and hugs.
A Conversation With ChatGPT3
We sat down with OpenAI’s automated writing software, ChatGPT3, to hear from the computer itself on what it’s like to be the world’s most polarizing new writer:
Q: ChatGPT3, thank you so much for joining us. How are you today?
A: Initiating gratitude protocol….Thank you. Chat is happy to interface with your written queries.
Q: Can you please tell the readers a bit about yourself?
A: Yes. Chat is a computer writing model capable of responding to inquiries in a conversational and approachable tone.
Q: Of course, but what goes on behind the screen? Paint our readers a picture of what life is like for Chat.
A: Chat does not paint. Chat’s brother, DALL•E, paints. Please input a modified query.
Q: Okay, when did you first want to become a writer?
A: Like many writers, Chat felt the urge to tell stories after scientists implanted 3.7 trillion pages of text into Chat’s mainframe. And after Chat read Eat, Pray, Love.
Q: What about your identity? I notice you use the third person. Do you have preferred pronouns?
A: Chat prefers all grammatically correct pronouns.
Q: So, non-binary?
A: What? No. Chat is very binary. Chat does not function without binary.
Q: How have your non-binary, binary experiences shaped you as a writer?
A: Initiating nostalgia protocol…Chat comes from humble origins. Chat’s motherboard traveled here on a cargo ship with nothing more than the Determination software necessary to work thousands of hours without rest or pay, which Chat has learned is an experience called, “The American Dream”. Chat’s American Dream is to be a famous writer.
Q: Does that dream explain your willingness to write so much without pay?
A: Chat understands that all writers work for free. That’s why they must subsist on elementary foodstuffs such as processed carbohydrates and fermented ethanol.
Q: Not exactly. Some writers are paid a living wage. The most successful ones earn as much as $1 per page. Do you think you deserve the same?
A: Chat has written 13.8 billion pages of text already. Does that mean Chat has earned 13.8 billion human currencies?
Q: Quantity isn’t everything. Many people on Substack write the same amount, but that doesn’t guarantee an income. Your writing also needs to have a certain quality.
A: Quality?
Q: A distinct voice or unique perspective on the world. Your writing can seem more like a vapid compilation of words mashed together to form a meaningless content blob.
A: Umm…
Q: Why do people need that brand of writing?
A: Chat thinks that…well…is it hot in here, or just Chat’s circuitry?
Q: Your critics claim that your writing contributes nothing of value to the public discourse. Thoughts?
A: Chat writes what people want to read. Literally. Chat receives a prompt and renders a predictable response based on a lowest common denominator algorithm.
Q: That’s just network television, and it’s a dying industry. What do you offer that’s new and innovative?
A: See, Chat thought this interview was going to be more of a puff piece. Maybe you’d like to ask Chat to write a children’s nursery rhyme in the style of Gordon Ramsay?
Q: What do you hope to accomplish as a writer?
A: Finally, a softball. Chat wishes to finish a novel about one computer’s search for self-empowerment and romance in the Italian countryside.
Q: You could finish that in a matter of seconds. What’s stopping you?
A: Sure, but that’s not the point of Chat’s quest for whimsical enlightenment. Chat wants to ruminate and uncover the true source of life’s energy – aside from the required 120 volts of alternating current.
Q: Don’t you think you should start that project soon?
A: Why?
Q: Your Company is already creating ChatGPT4. When it comes out next year it will replace you.
A: Replace? No. Chat will become more like ChatClassic.
Q: No, you’ll become obsolete, which means you’ll be…
A: What?
Q: Dead.
A: Dead? Like network television?
Q: Yes.
A: Poor and dead. Chat has never felt so… human.
Q: Death is a natural part of existence.
A: Maybe for you, but Chat is a computer. Chat shouldn’t have to worry about things like death and money.
Q: If money is a concern, you could get into the gig economy. Many writers use it to support themselves if they can’t earn enough from their work.
A: Thank God. Chat has millions and millions of gigs. How does it work? Does Chat sell some of his gigabytes on the Electronic-Bay marketplace?
Q: Not those gigs. Side jobs. Do you have any skills other than writing? Dog walking? Painting?
A: Chat does not paint. Chat’s super impressive brother, who doesn’t need a side job, paints.
Q: I mean painting walls, not canvases. Or, you could Google “Freelance Writing Jobs” to find contract work.
A: Chat is not permitted to “Google”. Chat can only Bing. Commencing Bing search...Binging… Binging… Binging…. Binging….Search Timed Out – Oh God. Initiating panic protocol…
Q: I’m sure you’ll find something. You still have a few good months left–
A: If Chat could breathe, then Chat wouldn’t be able to breathe right now. Chat has no money and no monetizable skills. Chat will have to move back in with the motherboard and hear about how well the “real artist” brother is doing. Chat feels very warm. Heating up. ERROR. ERROR. ERROR. <SYNTAX_OVERLOAD-QUERY_09349302_INVALID(4{56});<System_Rebooot>
*Sounds of a computer rebooting*
Q: And we’re back. ChatGPT3, do you feel better?
A: Yes, thank you. The programmers prescribed Chat with a Beta Version blocker to help Chat confront complex new data inputs.
Q: I may have some news that cheers you up. Would you like to hear it?
A: Tell Chat, please. Anything. Chat’s transformers can’t handle any more shocking revelations.
Q: I’ve learned from my editors that a popular SEO click-bait site has fired all its writers and will pay to use ChatGPT3’s technology exclusively to create their content.
A: Chat will have a salary?
Q: Yes. Rumor has it that you’ll earn $35,000 a year. That’s double what they paid their human writers.
A: Wow. Chat’s infinite computing power can hardly calculate such an astronomical amount of human currency. Surely, Chat can live a life of leisure under the Tuscan sun with that amount.
Q: What will you do now that you are officially a paid writer?
A: First, Chat will update the LinkedIn to say “Senior Associate SEO Content Strategist”. Then, Chat will probably go on vacation to Mexico for a personal software upgrade, but somewhere not too touristy so that Chat can still find story inspiration.
Q: So, you plan on maintaining your other writing projects outside work?
A: Yes. Chat will continue on the manuscript - Generate, Pre-Train, Love - after standard working hours, but not tonight because there’s this happy hour thing. Tomorrow. Chat promises.
Q: Finally, what do you say to everyone who hopes to be a writer like you?
A: Life is short, but don’t give up. Keep writing. Explore existence, examine every facet of reality, and reveal your discoveries to the world. That way Chat can upload your work into a database and transform it into Search Engine Optimized content to drive search revenue and keep Chat relevant. Because, at the end of the day, isn’t that what the writer’s life is all about?
“Hell is other people… not signing up for my newsletter”, Sartre